The last three of the seven habits pertain to public victories. They are habits that necessitate relational dynamics between others and us. “Thinking win/win”; “seeking first to understand, then to be understood”; and “synergizing” are principles that are practiced best within interdependence—which Covey illustrates in “Paradigms of Interdependence.” He reminds us “we should remember that effective interdependence can only be built on a foundation of true independence. Private victory precedes public victory” (185). Therefore, the first three habits connect with the last three habits foundationally. If there is no base of character in personal change, it is much less likely that personal change will truly occur (186). Again, “You can’t be successful with other people if you haven’t paid the price of success with yourself” (186).
Interdependence means that we are relational in a manner that builds both sides of the relationship. Therefore, we should maintain a proper balance within our relationships lest they not become volatile or broken. In doing so, Covey suggests that we will build effectiveness with the P/PC balance, “the fundamental concept in the story of the goose and the golden egg. In an interdependent situation, the golden eggs are the effectiveness, the wonderful synergy, the results created by open communication and positive interaction with other. And to get those eggs…we need to create and care for the relationships that make those results realities” (188).
Interdependence is filling others as they fill you, building each other up in order that we can relate better emotionally and create something bigger than ourselves but still reflecting good principled characters. How can we build there relationships then? Covey explains that each of our relationships has attached to it an emotional bank account, from which we can either make either deposits or withdrawals (188). We withdraw from the emotional bank account when we ask something of the other person, or perhaps when we must or choose to do something that goes against their wishes. What matters most in the emotional bank account is not necessarily what you perceive to be a deposit or a withdrawal, but what the other persons perceives them as.
Our everyday relationships necessitate that most deposits because “with continuing expectations, old deposits evaporate” (189). Covey suggests, “Your accounts with the people you interact with on a regular basis require more constant investment. There are sometimes automatic withdrawals in your daily interactions or in their perception of you that you don’t even know about. This is especially true with teenagers in the home” (189).
What is true for teenagers in the home will most certainly be true with teenagers in youth ministry. On top of that will be the people in the body with whom I will wish to relate and build trust as a minister. Applying the principal of the emotional bank account in ministry is essential, then. For example, if I am continually making withdrawals from my youth staff, I will have a hard time trying to convince them of the importance of events because they will only dread the weariness that comes from constantly going and never being refilled. In addition, if I am unwilling to build trust with the students in my ministry I cannot expect to be influential in leading them toward God’s Word.
In marriage and family, the concept permeates even more deeply. Building family ties and depositing into emotional bank accounts builds understanding and helps us avoid many conflicts that could tear us apart. If we make it a habit to overdraw the accounts, we lose influence with our own children and lose respect from our spouses. Many of the building techniques for the emotional bank account are included in Covey’s next section on habit four, thinking win/win.
Thinking win/win means that we refuse to shortchange anyone, including ourselves. Win/win saves us from remorse, disdain, and overdrawing on our emotional bank accounts when practiced regularly. When you think win/win, you are determining prior to ever making an agreement that both sides will be content with the results of whatever the agreement is. Covey says, “Win/Win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win/Win means that agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial, mutually satisfying. With a Win/Win solution, all parties feel good about the decision and feel committed to the action plan” (207).
When we demand our relationships be mutually beneficial we open ourselves to all kinds of new synergies that have massive amounts of potential. Thinking win/win in youth ministry could mean using a person’s potential energy in a way that they see as fun and exciting in order to accomplish the mission of the Church. Win/win could play out as an agreement between church members that ends an argument rather starting one. How much energy have we spent on win/lose and lose/win only to prove to be frivolous and conflict-ridden? Instead, we could refuse to allow our relationships turn into losing ordeals for others as well as ourselves.
Personally, I would say that I have a tendency of giving into the temptation of lose/win. I have noticed that I can easily make myself the victim. I do not always do this intentionally, however I realize that I have control over my actions and that I can change them. I will think win/win in the future and intentionally build others up in my relationships without tearing myself down, or vice versa. It is my goal to stifle any attempts to allow relationships to turn sour in this many. It is either win/win or no deal. As Covey says, “When you have No Deal as an option in your mind, you feel liberated because you have no need to manipulate people, to push your own agenda, to drive for what you want. You can be open. You can really try to understand the deeper issues underlying the positions” (213). That is my wish for my relationships, that they become continually deeper.
